


SWERVING THROUGH ALL THE MANY EYE-GOUGING, LIMB-RENDING, SKULL-CRUSHING TENTACLED ARMS OF FATE

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Talking about Hypothetical Death, Talking about Hypothetical Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 15:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21478987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat talk over breakfast.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 30
Kudos: 211





	SWERVING THROUGH ALL THE MANY EYE-GOUGING, LIMB-RENDING, SKULL-CRUSHING TENTACLED ARMS OF FATE

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [СЛАВА ВСЕМ ПЕРЕПЛЕТЕНИЯМ МНОГОГЛАЗЫХ, ЧЕРЕПОКРУШАШИХ, РАЗРЫВАЮЩИХ ЛЮДЕЙ НА ЧАСТИ, ЩУПАЛЕЦ СУДЬБЫ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26104390) by [KassiePavuk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KassiePavuk/pseuds/KassiePavuk)

DAVE: yo is it cool if i ask you a totally loaded and personal question right outta the blue  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW DAVE IS IT COOL IF I SAY I’M ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY BUSY AND DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW?  
DAVE: cmon dude youre just sittin here reading a cereal box  
DAVE: ive been waiting for you to pour it in your bowl for like ten minutes but apparently were not there yet  
KARKAT: I’M FUCKING WORKING UP TO IT.  
KARKAT: AND I HAVEN’T JUST BEEN READING A CEREAL BOX FOR TEN MINUTES, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THERE’S A GRAND TOTAL OF FIFTY WORDS ON THIS THING, AND HALF OF THEM ARE EXPLAINING HOW MAZES WORK. HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?  
KARKAT: FOR YOUR INFORMATION I’VE JUST BEEN RELAXING AND ENJOYING THE MORNING.  
KARKAT: I KNOW I USUALLY GIVE OFF A REAL PARTY-BOY VIBE, DAVE, BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT I SOMETIMES GET A KICK OUT OF SLOWING DOWN AND FUCKING SAVORING THE LITTLE THINGS.  
DAVE: oh damn thats perfect actually  
DAVE: okay hold on i got a whole preface that ties into that so well  
KARKAT: I FUCKING BET YOU DO.  
DAVE: okay check it  
DAVE: so basically it pretty much looks like things have calmed down  
DAVE: such that we can “savor the little things”  
DAVE: swords all smashed up into ploughshares  
DAVE: all settlin down with other ex-swords  
DAVE: buyin little garden shed houses  
DAVE: giving birth to a whole new generation of natural-born lawn care implements  
DAVE: “whats a battle, poppop?” a cute lil buck-tooth trowel asks  
DAVE: “never you mind, son” the wizened as fuck old sword-ploughshare-grandad answers, bouncing him on his knee  
DAVE: a wave of darkness passes over his face for a split second before vanishing as he smiles at the promise of new and innocent life before him  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PLOUGHSHARE?  
DAVE: uh its like a sickle you use to dig in the dirt?  
DAVE: i guess?  
KARKAT: OH, OKAY. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, ACTUALLY.  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: now that were on the other side of my extremely apt analogy  
DAVE: what im sayin is theres basically no real danger in our lives anymore  
DAVE: theres no pressure, no bullshit, no moral imperative to take up a sword of dubious welshness and absolutely start whaling on some dudes  
DAVE: you know what im saying?  
KARKAT: YEAH... IT’S NICE.  
DAVE: it IS nice  
DAVE: thats what im gettin at  
DAVE: i... i like the peace  
DAVE: i like it a lot  
DAVE: i could seriously get into the life of that fantastical ploughshare grampa i just whipped up  
DAVE: i can see the future spread out ahead of us  
DAVE: and i gotta say im loving how free of bullshit it looks  
DAVE: like right now i think my main plan in perpetuity basically involves just kickin it with you  
DAVE: just doing whatever the hell  
DAVE: try some new restaurants  
DAVE: do some traveling  
DAVE: go antiquing  
DAVE: start a family  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: maybe thats a little too much to lay on you at once  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: forget i even said that  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: dont FORGET it  
DAVE: but dont think about it the way i said it  
DAVE: obviously thatll be like a decision we make together  
DAVE: eventually  
DAVE: if you want to  
DAVE: but thats not what i wanted to talk about right now  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT, DAVE?  
DAVE: okay shit sorry back on course  
DAVE: the point i was trying to make is: life is nice now  
DAVE: and peaceful  
DAVE: the general likelihood of some hooded agent fuckin dropping out of the sky and driving a spike through my head is at an all-time low  
DAVE: and yes that is including my childhood but were not here to get into that either right now  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: the POINT is i dont foresee many chances for heroic or just deaths in my future from now on  
DAVE: like unless i save some cute lil chess person from a burning building and accidentally bite it in the process  
DAVE: im effectively immortal  
DAVE: so...  
KARKAT: SO.  
DAVE: so ive been thinkin about it and i guess i decided id like to know  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: how long ive got  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “HOW LONG YOU’VE GOT?”  
KARKAT: YOU JUST FUCKING SAID YOU’VE GOT FOREVER! THAT’S WHAT IMMORTAL MEANS!  
DAVE: no i mean... shit man  
DAVE: do i have to spell it out?  
KARKAT: I FUCKING THINK YOU DO.  
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: i have the ability to live forever...  
DAVE: but you dont  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: BUT obviously if all i wanna do with my life is be with you, then after youre gone im not gonna wanna keep living  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: i figure ill just  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: when the time comes  
DAVE: find the most on-fire carapacian orphanage i can and save the shit outta those lil guys  
DAVE: and in the process...  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: die  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: permanently  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
DAVE: but i guess i wanna know  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: what kinda timeline were talkin  
DAVE: im a hundred percent okay with anything i promise  
DAVE: id just kinda like to  
DAVE: you know  
DAVE: get in the mindset  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: is that weird?  
KARKAT: YES IT’S FUCKING WEIRD!  
DAVE: im sorry!  
DAVE: shit i dont want it to be i swear  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: i know the whole troll lifespan hemospectrum thing is absolutely insane  
DAVE: like you could live 25 years or you could live tens of thousands of years  
DAVE: who the fuck decided THAT should be a thing that happens in a single species?  
DAVE: but youre a mutant  
DAVE: so were like totally off the map right?  
DAVE: off the map and over the edge of the table and rolled way under the sofa where nobodys gonna remember to pick us up  
DAVE: never even gonna see us again til somebody moves outta this map room  
DAVE: but i guess i just wanted to know if you have any sense  
DAVE: or if theres any precedent  
DAVE: so theres like  
DAVE: a way for me to gauge  
DAVE: i think itd just be nice to know  
KARKAT: HOW LONG I’M GOING TO LIVE.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: SO YOU CAN KNOW WHEN TO KILL YOURSELF.  
DAVE: pretty much  
KARKAT: YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE NICE.  
DAVE: ...im starting to get the sense that you dont  
KARKAT: OH ARE YOU??  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHY IN THE EVER-LOVING NAME OF JACK NOIR’S SWEATY DOG BALLS WOULD YOU SAY THIS TO ME??  
DAVE: because i care about you  
KARKAT: !!!!!!  
DAVE: and anyway you ever read anything about being immortal?  
DAVE: vampires, super heroes, dudes who made deals with the devil, the storys always the same  
DAVE: it fuckin sucks man  
DAVE: and the number one reason  
DAVE: apart of course from being around when the sun explodes which is obviously a huge bummer in its own right  
DAVE: is that the people you love...  
DAVE: lookin at YOU dude...  
DAVE: get old and die on you  
DAVE: that blows so much ass  
DAVE: who the fuck needs it?  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: i dont wanna live that way  
DAVE: i just wanna have a normal life with you  
KARKAT: AND YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD CONVERSATION TO START A NORMAL LIFE WITH.  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: man youre hearing me all wrong  
DAVE: its not like i NEED to know  
DAVE: if you dont wanna tell me its cool  
DAVE: its your prerogative  
DAVE: i guess i was just curious if you knew anything about the other trolls who had your mutation  
DAVE: like how long did they live?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW, DAVE? YEAH OKAY GREAT LET'S GET INTO THIS. LET'S RUN THROUGH THE WHOLE LIST. OKAY ITEM NUMBER ONE, MY ANCESTOR ON BEFORUS, WAS A TOTAL IDIOT WHO GOT HIMSELF BLOWN TO A BILLION TINY GODDAMN PIECES WHEN HE WAS LIKE 8 SWEEPS OLD, SO THAT’S A REAL FUCKING NON-STARTER.  
KARKAT: AND ITEM NUMBER TWO, IN MY UNIVERSE WHERE HE DID GET THE CHANCE TO GROW UP, HE WAS STILL AN IDIOT AND GOT HIMSELF MARTYRED BY THE GOVERNMENT AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF WHO GIVES A SHIT!  
DAVE: man what the fuck is with this attitude  
DAVE: you know goddamn well that i give a shit  
DAVE: how old was he when he died?  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. IT WAS THOUSANDS OF SWEEPS AGO AND ALL THE DETAILS COME FROM RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE, SO TAKE THAT WITH A BIG FUCKING GRAIN OF ROCK SEASONING!  
KARKAT: BUT THE BASIC GIST OF IT I THINK WAS THAT HE WAS PRETTY FUCKING YOUNG.  
KARKAT: THAT’S KINDA THE WHOLE DEAL WITH BEING A MARTYR, DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOU SACRIFICE A BRIGHT FUTURE TO GET YOUR FUCKING GUTS SPILLED OUT OVER THE FLOOR WHERE ALL YOUR DUMBSHIT FOLLOWERS CAN ROLL AROUND IN THEM.  
DAVE: oh my sweet lord thats right  
DAVE: i cannot believe your ancestor was fucking troll jesus  
KARKAT: TROLL JESUS? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: jes-  
DAVE: you dont know about jesus?  
KARKAT: NO! ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY JEGUS?  
DAVE: no im not trying to say jegus how is this possibly still a thing after all these years?  
DAVE: ok man never mind  
DAVE: im sure well come back to clear that one up someday  
KARKAT: YEAH SURE LET’S DO THAT!  
DAVE: what about you  
DAVE: i mean your alternate self  
DAVE: any idea how long he lived?  
KARKAT: NO. I DON’T KNOW A SINGLE THING ABOUT HIM AND I DON’T THINK ANYBODY ELSE DOES, EITHER. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE WAS THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF ALL AND MANAGED TO BE A COMPLETE SHITASS WASTE OF SPACE NOBODY BEFORE ALSO DYING YOUNG!  
KARKAT: HE PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN PUPATE.  
KARKAT: HE PROBABLY JUST GOT STEPPED ON AND SQUISHED INTO A RED SMEAR ON THE FLOOR OF THE BROODING CAVERNS BEFORE ANYBODY EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT KILLING HIM FOR REAL.  
DAVE: oh my god dude where is this coming from?  
DAVE: i know this whole miserable self-deprecation bit is kinda your thing, but its just me here  
DAVE: you dont have to do that with me  
KARKAT: DON’T I??  
DAVE: what the fuck is that supposed to mean?  
DAVE: why are you being such an asshole all of a sudden??  
KARKAT: *I’M* BEING AN ASSHOLE??  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, STRIDER!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE BULLYING ME INTO CONFRONTING MY OWN MORTALITY SO YOU CAN PICK THE DAY YOU FUCKING KILL YOURSELF? AND *I’M* THE ASSHOLE?  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU LIKE TO “OBLIVIOUSLY” PRATTLE ON ABOUT WHATEVER BULLSHIT’S ON YOUR MIND UNTIL YOU REALLY STEP IN IT, AND THEN YOU’RE SO UNCOOLY COOL ABOUT IT THAT EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE CUTE AND YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.  
KARKAT: BUT THIS ISN’T CUTE, DAVE. IT’S SICK.  
KARKAT: HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY GET IT INTO YOUR PIECE OF SHIT PAN THAT I’D REACT WELL TO THIS?  
KARKAT: AND JUST TO ADD INSULT TO THE INSULT THAT’S ALREADY TEETERING ON TOP OF A BIG FUCKING PILE OF INJURIES AND OTHER INSULTS, YOU’RE ACTING LIKE NONE OF THIS HAS EVER EVEN OCCURED TO YOU BEFORE!  
KARKAT: LIKE YOU JUST TOOK A BITE OF TOAST AND THE IDEA WORMED ITS WAY THROUGH A CRACK IN YOUR OTHERWISE IMPENETRABLE SKULL THAT I’M GOING TO *DIE* SOMEDAY?  
KARKAT: “OH, THAT’S INTERESTING,” YOU THINK TO YOURSELF AS YOU CHEW YOUR DISGUSTING FUCKING STALE BREAD.  
KARKAT: “WHY DON’T I JUST SWALLOW THIS SLOBBERY LUMP OF HALF-MASTICATED GRAIN PUTTY, TAKE A REFRESHING SWIG OF MY BELOVED SHITTY APPLE MILK, AND CASUALLY ASK KARKAT IF HE’S AWARE OF HIS OWN MORTALITY, WHICH BY THE WAY IS *LITERALLY* AGREED UPON TO BE THE MOST BASIC MINIMUM FOR WHAT SEPARATES CONSCIOUS LIFE FORMS FROM BLITHERING STUPID HEAVING PACKBEASTS.”  
DAVE: dude...  
KARKAT: I THINK ABOUT DEATH *ALL THE FUCKING TIME,* DAVE. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK I DON’T?  
KARKAT: I SHOULD’VE BEEN CULLED ON ALTERNIA. EVERY SINGLE DAY I LIVED WAS ON BORROWED TIME. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT MY NATURAL LIFESPAN WAS GOING TO BE, BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS I DIDN’T LET IT GET TO ME BECAUSE I TOOK IT TOTALLY FOR GRANTED THAT WHATEVER IT WAS, I WASN’T GONNA SEE ALL OF IT.  
KARKAT: THEN BY ABSOLUTE FUCKING DIVINE INTERVENTION, PROBABLY FROM HUMAN JEGUS HIMSELF, I GOT OUT OF THERE... AND STRAIGHT INTO A YEARS-LONG HORRORFEST WHERE MOST OF MY FRIENDS DIED IN FRONT OF ME AND I WAS EITHER IN IMMEDIATE MORTAL PERIL OR JUST SITTING AROUND LOSING MY MIND *WAITING* TO BE IN MORTAL PERIL.  
DAVE: cmon thats not fair man  
DAVE: all that waiting is when we got to know each other  
DAVE: i... i was really happy then and i kinda thought you were too  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE OF COURSE I WAS HAPPY JUST LET ME FINISH.  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: SO, AS YOU GENEROUSLY POINTED OUT, IN AMONG ALL THAT HORROR AND BOREDOM I ACTUALLY STARTED TO FEEL SAFE AND STARTED TO UNWIND AND AGAINST ALL ODDS I ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEBODY WHO LOVED ME.  
KARKAT: AND SWERVING THROUGH ALL THE MANY EYE-GOUGING, LIMB-RENDING, SKULL-CRUSHING TENTACLED ARMS OF FATE, THAT SOMEBODY AND I BOTH MANAGED TO COME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE TO A PLACE THAT IS QUITE LITERALLY, DEFINITIONALLY, PARADISE.  
DAVE: okay...  
KARKAT: SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW??  
KARKAT: I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE MISERABLE LIFE THINKING ABOUT ITS IMMINENT END JUST IN TERMS OF MYSELF, WHICH WAS BAD ENOUGH, BUT NOW I’VE GOT FUCKING *YOU* TO CONTEND WITH!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE MY MATESPRIT, AND YOU’RE FUCKING IMMORTAL!  
KARKAT: “HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY MAKE THIS SITUATION ANY WORSE?” THAT SLIMY MOTHERFUCKER FATE ASKS.  
KARKAT: “OH, I HAVE AN IDEA,” SAYS THE UNIVERSE. “THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD, JUST SUCH A FUCKING CHOICE KICK STRAIGHT TO THE GLOBES. I CAN’T WAIT FOR YOU TO HEAR THIS ONE, FATE, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL MUCUSY BITCH. LET’S MAKE IT SO KARKAT *COULD* HAVE BEEN IMMORTAL TOO. WE’LL MAKE IT SO THE POSSIBILITY WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF HIM. JUST DANGLED RIGHT WHERE HE COULD SEE IT BUT CHOOSE NOT TO GO FOR IT. BECAUSE HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING SCREW UP WORTHLESS GOOD FOR FUCK-ALL PANSY SHITBIRD TO GET IT TOGETHER TO ACHIEVE IT. HE WAS TOO BUSY YELLING HIMSELF HOARSE AT HIS FRIENDS AND FUCKING UP FROGS TO EVEN TRY FOR IT. THAT’LL BE JUST THE GODDAMN BUZZBUG’S LEGJOINTS, WON’T IT!!”  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: YEAH. *OH.* I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE ON YOU SOMEDAY, DAVE, AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.  
KARKAT: IT DIDN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, BUT IT IS. BECAUSE I SUCK.  
KARKAT: AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHEN IT’LL BE. *AT ALL.* BECAUSE OF AN INSANE MUTATION THAT SHOULD HAVE HAD ME KILLED ON SIGHT AS A CHILD AND HAS LITERALLY SHAPED MY ENTIRE PSYCHE!  
DAVE: oh my god karkat  
KARKAT: BUT YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, DAVE. LET’S JUST CASUALLY CHIT CHAT ABOUT IT OVER BREAKFAST LIKE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TRYING A NEW BRAND OF CEREAL, SO YOU CAN *GET A SENSE.*  
KARKAT: OH, AND JUST TO PUT A LITTLE EXTRA SPECIAL CHERRY ON TOP OF THIS ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT SUNDAE WE’RE BOTH EATING, WHY DON’T YOU INFORM ME OF YOUR VERY SINCERE INTENTIONS TO *FUCKING BURN YOURSELF TO DEATH!*  
KARKAT: THAT’S GREAT, DAVE. THAT IS JUST “THE DOPENESS.”  
DAVE: jesus fucking christ  
DAVE: i am so sorry  
DAVE: i cant believe i  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: i actually thought this conversation would be nice  
DAVE: like it would be a nice gesture or something  
DAVE: a way for us to bond...  
KARKAT: YEAH WELL THINK AGAIN, DIPSHIT!  
DAVE: sniffle  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: snuffle  
KARKAT: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DAVE, I KINDA THINK I'VE EARNED THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE CRYING RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: i...  
DAVE: i REALLY wanna hug you but i dont want to presume anything else and fuck this up even more  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT, PLEASE HUG ME. I THINK WE COULD BOTH REALLY USE IT.  
DAVE: okay  
KARKAT: SNIFFLE.  
DAVE: hic  
KARKAT: ...DID YOU CRY YOURSELF INTO THE HICCUPS, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: HEH.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: LOOK, DAVE. THE TRUTH IS I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE GOT.  
KARKAT: IT COULD BE A DAY. IT COULD BE THOUSANDS OF FUCKING YEARS.  
KARKAT: TROLL LIFE SPANS ARE COMPLETELY FUCKED AS IT IS, AND I’M A FREAK OF NATURE. THERE’S LITERALLY NO WAY TO KNOW.  
KARKAT: THERE’S HARDLY EVER BEEN ANYONE LIKE ME, AND THE ONES WHO WERE ALL DIED YOUNG AND VIOLENTLY.  
DAVE: hic  
KARKAT: BUT... IT SEEMS LIKE I GOT PAST THAT STAGE, AT LEAST. OR REALLY, AN INFINITE OTHER SORRY MOTHERFUCKER VERSIONS OF ME KEPT UP THE FAMILY TRADITION OF DYING HORRIBLY SO I COULD BE HERE.  
KARKAT: AND AS UTTERLY TWISTED AS THE POINT THAT FOLLOWED IT WAS...  
DAVE: hic  
KARKAT: I REALLY DID LIKE THAT LITTLE VISION OF OUR FUTURE THAT YOU HAD.  
KARKAT: NOT THE OLD SWORD MAN. THAT MADE NO SENSE.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU KNOW... GOING TO RESTAURANTS... TRAVELING... AND...  
DAVE: antiquing?  
KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT ANTIQUING.  
DAVE: i know dude  
DAVE: hic  
KARKAT: YEAH. UM. THAT ALL SOUNDS REALLY GOOD TO ME, TOO.  
KARKAT: AND THERE’S A PRETTY LOW LIKELIHOOD OF EITHER OF US DYING PREMATURELY ANTIQUING, WHICH IS A NICE BONUS.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU *CAN’T* PUT THAT ON ME. THAT WHOLE KILLING YOURSELF WHEN I’M GONE THING.  
KARKAT: WHAT IF YOU’VE GOT OTHER STUFF TO CARE ABOUT? OTHER STUFF TO LIVE FOR?  
KARKAT: IF YOU MAKE SOME BULLSHIT PROMISE TO ME TODAY, AND THEN I DIE TOMORROW, I DO *NOT* WANT TO GO OUT THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE, TOO. ESPECIALLY IF IT’S BECAUSE YOU FEEL OBLIGATED.  
KARKAT: AND THAT FEELING EXTENDS IN PERPETUITY, BY THE WAY. FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES ME TO FUCKING SHRIVEL UP AND CROAK MY LAST PITIFUL CROAK.  
KARKAT: ONCE I’M GONE YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, I GUESS. I’M NOT GONNA BE AROUND TO STOP YOU. BUT DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME ABOUT IT WHILE I’M STILL HERE. YOU GOT IT, MOTHERFUCKER??  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i do  
DAVE: im so sorry i made you think about it at all  
DAVE: even though apparently you were already thinking about it a lot  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: i wont bring it up again i promise   
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: but do you think we could maybe  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: do something else?  
DAVE: a little more  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: life-centric?  
KARKAT: LIFE-CENTRIC? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: i mean a different kind of plan  
DAVE: that we can... both have  
DAVE: officially  
KARKAT: OFFICIALLY?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean something for both of us  
DAVE: for as long as were both alive  
DAVE: could we promise that until one of us dies...  
DAVE: and let me just point out that i could totally be the one to go first  
DAVE: if that big flaming carapacian orphanage is calling my name, im fuckin goin for it-  
KARKAT: !!!  
DAVE: sorry sorry shit i just got really hung up on that image  
DAVE: i wont bring that up again  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: i guess what im saying is could we agree that until one of us does die, were gonna be together?  
DAVE: i guess im asking...  
DAVE: if you wanna get human married  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: human married is when-  
KARKAT: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT HUMAN MARRIED IS, DAVE. I’VE SEEN A MILLION OF YOUR GARBAGE EARTH MOVIES, ALMOST EVERYONE I KNOW IS A HUMAN, AND TWO OF OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS JUST GOT HUMAN MARRIED LAST YEAR! I WENT TO THEIR HUMAN WEDDING AND EVERYTHING!  
KARKAT: I HELPED PICK ROSE UP IN A CHAIR AND WAVE HER AROUND FOR REASONS THAT *STILL* HAVE YET TO BE EXPLAINED!  
DAVE: okay well  
DAVE: do you...  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: want to?  
KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I DO. OBVIOUSLY!  
DAVE: haha wow  
DAVE: the way i been fuckin up not sure it was that obvious  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: okay  
KARKAT: OKAY!  
DAVE: where doing it man  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD. DON’T YOU DARE.  
DAVE: oh yeah where doing it where making this hapen  
KARKAT: HEH. YEAH, WE ARE.  


THEN THEY BOTH LIVED FOR A BILLION YEARS AND WERE HAPPY THE WHOLE TIME. THE END.  



End file.
